April 3rd – Pain Poem #1

Sue has been living through really awful pain and as one way of coping asked me to try to start writing about the pain, all of its varieties and intensities. Writing gives me something to do when I see her suffering and don’t have much else to do, so I’m trying to find words for experiences that are very much outside of spoken language.

Pain Poem #1

cells slamming into cells
honing every edge
to blades that cut each other
open and you must wait
20 minutes for the vicodin
to begin to block the pain but know
every cell in your body will be shredded
oozing cytosol in 2 minutes,
and you will have to feel
your body disintegrating for 1080 seconds,
and you begin to count:

one thousand one, one thousand two , one thousand three

April 2nd “I heard ‘pulse ox’ and then ‘coding’ and then

I heard “pulse ox” and then “coding” and then
Elliott batTzedek

timelessness
no
a lack of time and then
all tubed-up in a bed with a view
of Santa Catalina a place where no one
loved me so I lay alone down to
117 pounds so close to my goal
of not being
trays of hospital fare untouched, hunger
just another part of a body
I no longer felt.

As I had not felt myself not breathing, steroids
for the asthma in the distant past
of September’s fat jeans.

On the overnight shift, the one reserved
for gay nurses, fat nurses, old nurses, he
found me awake and shaking, refused to measure
vital signs on someone clearly not vital but asked
if I would like my back rubbed, skin
no one had touched in all the months Orange County
had been digesting me.

Lotion warmed in his palms spread as wide and
venturesome as God’s hands shaping clay, pushing
flesh while seeking life spark, he hummed only
soft syllables until I fell asleep enough to wake
to the morning on which I ate.

I could find him, say what you did, the gay gossip network
that would be more powerful than the 26 years
slipped past if not for this
hard fact:

it was 1985 in Southern California—
all my sources are on the AIDs quilt
which is itself out of style
and packed away.

April 1st – On the difference between a good poem and a great poem

(fess up time – I’ve been working on various drafts of this for a while now, but it finally solidified in re-visions this week, so I’m counting it as my first poem of the month)

(2nd fess up – it may actually be prose. or a lyric essay. or a prose poem. it feels like poetry, and that’s good enough for me.)

On the difference between a good poem and a great poem
Elliott batTzedek

A line, like the tightrope between the twin towers, the one with the Frenchman all mania and magic—the line between a poem that’s good and a poem that’s great.

Words teeter along the balancing point, the tipping point, the moment the puppet becomes a real boy, the moment form’s armor becomes living skin you find you must reach to touch, the clay at the moment it lumbers off golem, immense forehead branded with the single perfect letter that bestows a soul,

the moment a soul is bestowed upon words.

A soul you can almost measure in its depth and heft and opacity and there is a solid pleasure to be able to take the measure of a good poem, but then other times you find yourself inside a soul looking back out at yourself at your world and that is a great shock.

A great shock, too, to be driven over words so sharp that reading across them makes eyes bleed.

Great is not a question of good and then a little more so. Good poems raise and answer questions, as image or metaphor or objective correlative, but to raise a question and leave it hanging, knotted into a noose of words that makes you both hangman and hanged, to refuse questions that beg answers that beg for a question, to give the truth but not what it means, to have a how so urgent that the why is unnecessary,

to have these is to have words that justify the brain having ever evolved language.

Highly quotable lines, lines that make sense of the world, that get cited and copied and sent as email signature lines—hallmarks each and all of solid poetic goodness. Quotable lines, so much prettier than the pale quivering jelly that is a line from a great poem ripped from its shell.

Show, don’t tell, what any poem does to be good. But every rule can be shredded over the greater of poems that tell exactly whatever the hell they need to tell and show only the how of the why of the needing.

The poetic line, the sharpened distinction between a careful architecture rising toward the sky and the sky birthing from itself its self.

NaPoMo

After too long away, I’m back at it, blogging, reading, and writing. For National Poetry Month I’m repeating last year’s poem-a-day challenge, out of which I harvested 7 or 8 really good poems. I’ve not written at all for several months (revised, yes, but not anything new), so the first week or so might be pretty rough, but no one ever promised the sprint section of a poetry marathon would be pretty. Just, well, sprinty.

If you’re also doing the challenge, let me know so we can cross-post, or so I can feature your work here. Go poets!

So often now I’ve no idea

So often now

So often now I’ve no idea who’s
contained within this skin: woman, child
(boy or tomboy), horse. Polar bears
are said to shed their hides and live as humans;
peel my skin and you could find a bear.
What we are is merely social invention:
white, female, human, dyke, all labels
threatening to become as stale as celluloid.
Only a sense of myself seems solid—I’ve
failed at that before. What is the opposite
of shape-shifting? It is my shape that’s fixed,
a screen these movies move across, made
without directors, without a leading lady,
with a cast of thousands, each one an I.

September nowhere near poem a day

If

if one woman told the truth about her life, the world

if I told the truth, the world would

but I is world’s restraint

or rather the illusion of I
or rather the necessity of the illusion of I

if we told about our life
I would split open

if one woman told the truth

the world, open

Ina, re-envisioned

What if the Ina poems could be a crown of sonnets? What if they could?

Ina’s Vow

Admittedly she was drunk at the time but not
as drunk as he was, drunk and deep into
his favorite litany—It just ain’t natural. It just ain’t right.
No woman could handle going down. No female could

but a drunken vow is still a vow and she’d
rebelled against her uncle’s Rules for Girls
since she first could clasp an axe. She made a list
of 1000 questions and hunted answers as she
hunted quail, flushing out the game and snagging
everything in reach. She asked every woman she met
and every man who’d talk to her to tell her anything
about the mines. She took meticulous notes. No one
bothered to question her scribbling for Ina had always
been a queer child, too headstrong for a girl.

Knowledge gained, Ina sets forth

She was headstrong, and a girl, so finding what she’d need
was easy but gathering them— well, she wasn’t afraid of work. Overalls
she had over Mom’s ornery complaining. They’d be ruined and if she failed
there’d be no money for more. But cards near always fell Ina’s way, with liquor
to help her luck along. Uncle Eddie wouldn’t take to losing to
a girl, he’d keep upping the ante, so patience and whiskey would again
get Ina what she wanted. No sober miner would ever be one-upped into putting
his flint much less his carbide on the table but Eddie was not near the first
to part with his pride this way. Offering his hat double-or-nothing for the light
was not a big risk for a desperate, cocksure man and Ina
was used to dealing with cocksure desperate men. When a puff of a boy
came looking to mine, a cousin of folks next county over, willing to work for half
a grown man’s wage—well, every man there had folks
spread from Kentucky to Missouri. Come 5 a.m. Monday, she was on her way down.

Down

She was on her way down when she realized
she’d never been down before. In Macoupin County
land went across and sky went up and only
varmits and miners went down. There was a world known
only to men under the world she knew.
She was on her way down and she couldn’t
find words for the dark: pitch-dark, pitch-black,
dim, blurred, sunless, dense, leaden,
grim, grimy, muted, muffled, forlorn,
sinister, perverse, damnable, hellish,
comfortless, lonely, heartbroken, destroyed.
This is how my father and brother grew up
and this how I’ll grow up too. Men
face this every day, my God, how do they…

First Night

It was late when she came up. One day prior
she would’ve said dark, but never again would Ina
confuse the soft charcoal night with dark. Heading
down the road she realized she could not go home.
The coal dust that, settled, had concealed her secret
would betray her the second she set foot in her house.
So she grunted good night, thrust her hand to the right,
and ducked through the barbed wire toward the barn
that had abetted her constant threats to run away.
When she’d return tomorrow as grimy as she’d left
no one would give a rat’s ass. Miners knew everything
there was to know about making do and there
was nothing new about a scrawny boy beginning
his first man’s job without a second set of clothes.

Ina Poem #3 First Night

Ok, I’m clearly not managing a poem a day, and what I’m writing about is Ina. So I’ll just keep these coming as fast as I can, hoping the whole story will find itself told before my 2nd packet deadline.

First Night

It was late when she came up.
Last night she would have said dark
but Ina would never again
confuse night with dark.

Heading down the hill she realized
that going home would give her away.
The coal dust that protected her secret in the mine
would betray the second she set foot in her house.
So she grunted and stuck her hand to the right,
parting from the men on the path.

The woods had been her shelter many times before,
the roots of a tree upended as good a wind shelter
as the shack her family’d had since her father’s death.

When she’d return tomorrow as grimy as she’d left
no one would give a rat’s ass. Miners knew everything
there was to know about making do and they’d all been
a scrawny boy without a second set of clothes.

Poem a day #2 Knowledge gained, Ina sets forth

(note of complaint here—these are written with the first line of each stanza all the way to the left and each following line indented. No one has yet made HTML code for indenting text. Why?? Why???)

Knowledge gained, Ina sets forth

Assembling the list of things she’d need was easy—gathering them
would mean some compromising. Overalls she’d had for years
over Mom’s ornery complaining. They be ruined for sure
and if she failed there’d be no money for more.

But the cards near always fell Ina’s way, with liquor to help luck along
in hard times. Her uncle Eddie wouldn’t take losing to a girl,
it was no more natural than her going down to the mines

so he’d keep upping the ante, and she knew patience and whiskey
would get her anything she wanted. Always had.

No sober miner would ever be one-upped into putting his flint, much less
his carbide onto the table, but Eddie was not near the first
to part with his pride this way. Offering his hat double-or-nothing
for the light was not a big risk for a desperate man.

When a puff of a boy came looking for work, a cousin of folks next county over,
well, this was business as usual, as was offering him half
a grown man’s wages. 5 am on a Monday and she was on
her way down.

September Poem-a-day #1

So I’m in my 4th semester at Drew, and I just turned in the very first, very rough draft of my manuscript. But I need more poems, more and more, so I’m trying Poem a Day again. When I made myself write something every day of April the results were awesome, and out of those I got at least six or seven really great pieces.

So here goes again. With work, school, and the High Holidays I’m not vowing they’ll be a poem each day, but I’m going to try.

Ina’s Vow

Admittedly, she was drunk at the time
but not as drunk as he was, drunk and deep into his
most familiar litany

No. Just no. It just ain’t natural. It just ain’t right. No woman
can handle going down. She just couldn’t.

but a drunken vow is still a vow and anyway
she’d been rebelling against her uncle’s Rules for Girls
since she first could clasp an axe.

So she made a list of 1000 questions and began to hunt answers
as she hunted quail, flushing out the game and bagging
everything in reach.

She asked every woman she met and every man who would talk to her to
to tell her everything about the mines. She took meticulous notes.

No one bothered to ask about the scribbling for Ina
had always been a queer child, too headstrong for a girl.